It’s been a while since I’ve done my Friday installment of “My Story” and I’ve been thinking about this one for weeks.
My name is Ali, and I have baby envy. Whew. It feels so much better to put that out there. I don’t know what it is about babies these days, but the sight of them puts me in a crazy jealous mood. Don’t even get me started on the rollercoaster of emotions that pregnant people have been putting me in. Perhaps it’s knowing that getting pregnant and staying pregnant might be the biggest struggle for me yet. Perhaps it’s that everyone (and I literally mean practically everyone) around me has a baby. But mostly, I think that now it’s that a lot of people around me are onto their second or third children.
It’s not that I don’t love these babies. I love them all and their parents. It’s that pang of jealousy way down deep inside. It’s the anger that it’s so easy for some and yet so hard for others. It’s reading stories about women with endo who have tried for years and it’s never happened or those more heartbreaking stories of the women with endo who have lost their children along the way. It’s these feelings that I’m finding it so hard to deal with because in a way, I know I shouldn’t feel this way at all.
Sometimes I’m truly angry that I’ve been dealt this hand of cards. I know that I would be a great mom and my husband a truly amazing father and yet I see people out there in the world who weren’t ready or didn’t really want it in the first place somehow getting there first - as if there is some limited supply of children and they are cutting the line with some VIP pass I was not allowed to get. So to you, the parents of beautiful children everywhere, do me a favour (and all the rest of the women with endo who might not get to experience this): hug your children a little tighter tonight and pause for a second to think about how truly lucky you are. There just might be someone out there, like me, who would do anything to be in your shoes.