Last night I had a terrible dream. Everyone in my family had children, multiple children, and I was sitting around playing with my new niece and nephew telling everyone how I was never going to have my own children. I woke up feeling like my heart was broken.
I don’t know what it is. Likely the fact that honestly, just about every women on my father’s side of the family is pregnant - except me. All of my cousins - older, same age, younger - except me. I’m not trying to have a baby but I worry that it is never going to happen when we do try and the emptiness I will feel as a result. The emptiness that my husband will feel…. it’s too much sometimes.
Especially on days like today where the pain has me doubled over, in tears, ready to vomit from the strength of the pain, I think that being pregnant would be the most glorious thing in the world because for 9 whole months I wouldn’t feel this. I also wonder if perhaps I would reset my body through pregnancy as you hear sometimes and not feel any pain ever again but I know that the likelihood of that is remote and it puts a ridiculous amount of pressure on my future unborn child. Fix mommy little one… yeah right!
I just hope that when we are ready, it won’t be a hard fight. Please, please, PLEASE don’t take away this dream of ours!